


Dream of me in color

by Donotmind_mehere



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Asexual Character, Childhood Trauma, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Martin Blackwood Needs a Hug, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trauma, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donotmind_mehere/pseuds/Donotmind_mehere
Summary: Loving Jon, was steps.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Dream of me in color

**Author's Note:**

> First TMA story, hopefully it goes well, thank you for reading!

_ Here I stand in your embrace  _

_ Starting at your loving face  _

_ And all I think  _

_ Is all I am  _

_ What I don’t deserve  _

_ I’m such a disgrace  _

_________________________

  


Martin looked at Jon. He wasn’t able to fully process his words. He wasn’t able to fully process them, properly. His mind ran him through a mental recap of nearly every single moment they’d had together. 

  


Meaningful and meaningless, alike.

  


Martin remembers meeting Jon for the first time. A lot of his concern about having joined the institute washed away the first time he met Jon. It would be very Naïve of him to say that “it was love at first sight” and all that, a more accurate term would be “definitely something special at first sight”. 

  


Martin thought falling in love would happen fast and suddenly and with a great act of courage and if he was lucky, a kiss perhaps. 

  


But falling in love with Jon was just small steps. 

  


Quirky smiles. 

Cups of tea. 

Occasional banter. 

His tired eyes after a long day. 

Sarcastic comments that got brushed off or even made him laugh.

And honestly. Just Jon. 

  


Falling in love with Jon was steps, sometimes the stone was grand and ornate beautiful in its presentation and other it was cracked and crumbling so badly that it’d fall apart under the weight of a single step. 

  


Falling in love with Jon was steps. 

  


Steps Martin would happily take until the day he knew for sure Jon either felt this way too, or didn’t. He wasn’t sure why , but both thoughts equally built the type of anticipation you can only get from a rollercoaster right before it falls.

  


When Jon got the position of “Head Archivist”, Martin had to admit to himself that he might have been a bit too in over his head about it. 

  


He had to admit he might have put Jon up on a pedestal and it was time to bring him down from it. This wasn’t just because now Jon was his boss, but because the position was bringing out a side of his newly appointed boss that Martin had not yet seen.

  


Jon could be rude.

  


Jon could get easily agitated for seemingly no reason.

  


Jon’s sarcastic comments became a bit more frequent 

  


Jon could say something carelessly and not apologize until later if he remembered to apologize at all.

  


Jon was a skeptic and considering his position in the institute, this frustrated Martin in a way that might frustrate a child when their parents won’t take their concern about, “the monster under the bed” or “ghost in the closet” seriously. 

  


Martin remembered the first time he thought “maybe it’d be better to put these feelings away and focus on something else, on someone else.” 

  


There wasn’t an inciting incident, it was just a slow day, a quiet day that let him get lost in the stew of his thoughts, Martin started to boil in the pot. 

  


Martin had to focus on his mum at the time.  _ Maybe that was what got the thought boiling, his mum. _ He wasn’t stupid enough to think that their relationship had always been sunshine and hot tea. He knew their relationship was the constant overcast of London with a bit of bad traffic for good measure. And he knew, relationships like that can make a person ill adjusted, he knew this, but  _ knew _ it could have all been worse than it was. 

  


Martin  _ knew _ he was damaged goods. He  _ knew _ he belonged on the clearance shelf, only to be thrown away after a week of not being bought. Martin  _ knew  _ he was better off alone once his mum passed. He knew he was lying to Jon and Tim and Sasha. Martin  _ knew  _ he didn’t deserve to be there with any of them.  _ Knew _ that none of them would care if Elias found out tomorrow and kicked him out. Martin knew, they were all people, even Jon, and that people didn’t belong on pedestals. 

  


Martin knew, maybe, it was time to stop acting like this was more than a crush and to just be honest with himself and with Jon. 

  


Or just stop all together. To bottle the fire until it ran out of oxygen. 

  


Marine knew he had to make a choice. 

  


Maybe he would have. 

  


Maybe he wouldn’t have.

  


But he never did get to find out what he would have done, because that’s when Jane Prentiss held him hostage until she didn’t, then Jon let him stay in the archives and the concern in Jon’s voice and care in his actions was just another stepping stone in the river of Martin’s love for the man. 

  


He even wrote a pretty bad poem about it. 

  


_ Don’t step too close, it runs too deep  _

_ I’ll catch you in your waking sleep  _

_ I'll be push forward, before I can leap  _

_ It’ll leave me in a crumpled heap  _

_ Don’t step too close, it runs too deep  _

_ On those nights when we both oversleep  _

_ Don’t step too close _

_ I want to leap  _

_ Into your dreams of waking sleep  _

  


He thought about giving it to Jon as a “Thank you for helping me and caring” but decided against it and threw it away. 

  


When Jane actually did attack the institute and all was said and done. Martin was just relieved Jon was safe even though (they’d find out later) they’d lost Sasha. 

  


But the attack changed Jon more than the position of Head Archivist did and his concern of losing him to his paranoia over office politics….it drowned him more in his concern than he was able to swallow at a time. 

  


More times than others had him worried and walking in on him with a picture of Tim’s house was just the icing on the cake. 

  


Compared that to when they found Leitner dead and Jon was being blamed. Tears swelled in Martin’s eyes at the memory. Of how bad everything had gotten, how hopeless it seemed. 

  


Falling in love with Jon had been steps. 

  


Each step a stone crafted with a memory of them. Memories that balanced Martin in the river that was his life now. 

  


He was worried those stones were going to be overturned to reveal rot underneath. But that wouldn’t happen until Jon confirmed this accusation himself. 

  


And it was until after The Unknowing had been stopped that something significant would happen to those stones. 

  


Martin had always known his Mum hated him. 

  


Martin had also equally held out hope that maybe, it was all surface level. 

  


Martin now  _ knew _ , it wasn’t.

  


Do you know what happens when you mix two common household cleaning products into a bucket? You get a new chemical called “chloramines” . It's toxic, it causes nausea, irritation in your eyes, nose, throat and lungs and it can kill you. 

  


Now picture this. 

  


You have just been implanted with the full knowledge that your mum, the person who is, in theory supposed to love and care for you, hold you close and protect you. 

  


Hates you for an arbitrary reason that you had absolutely zero control over. 

  


You have that knowledge embedded into your mind and you can’t do a damn thing to get it out.

  


And then 

  


BAM

  


The love of your life dies in an explosion that saved the world. 

  


But _ you’d have sacrificed the world for him _ . 

  


Imagine that. 

  


Falling in love with Jon had been steps. 

  


Martin could have created a staircase to the afterlife with the amount of love he had for Jon. 

  


And in one swift instant. 

  


With one explosion. 

  


Martin’s love for Jon was rubble and he had no one. 

  


And he was alone. 

  


He was the manifestation of loneliness. 

  


The storm that had raged in Martin’s heart and soul, had been stuffed out, quicker than it had existed. 

  


And Martin would have given anything to feel again.

Until he could. 

  


Until Jon wasn’t dead. 

  


Until he was so angry with Jon, that the fire in his heart raged and burnt itself out before it could do anymore damage. 

  


He was going to protect Jon from Lukas, of course, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t let what had happened six months ago happen again. Even if it was at the cost of himself. 

  


Falling in love with Jon had been steps. 

  


Falling in love with Jon had been expertly crafted and built for the most expensive stone and placed in the river rapids that was his life. 

  


Falling in love with Jon has been mourning his loss.

  


Staying with him in the hospital in the hopes he’d 

  


“Please wake up Jon, I love you and if you heard me and you just wake up, I promise we can fix everything even if you don’t love me.” 

  


Accepting him home

  


And anticipating his return.

  


Realizing he couldn’t actually do anything with his granted wish.

  


Falling in love with Jon had been step

  


Step.

  


By step.

  


By step.

  


By leaps and bounds.

  


Through the desert in summer.

  


Under the deepest parts of the ocean.

  


In the forest during a fire.

  


Into the end of the world. 

  


Martin took every step.

  


Because stepping into love with Jon had been better than falling, he got to make the choice to take the next step every single moment of every single day. 

  


He got to love Jon through their highs, lows and plateaus. 

  


He got to see Jon’s face and feel his heart rise with love. 

  


He got to look into his tired, mourning eyes knowing all the details they carried. 

  


Cup his face in his hands, before finally saying 

  


“I love you too.”

  


kissing him. 

  


Taking the last step 

  


And finally walking onto land


End file.
